On the Eve of the release of my eighth book, I’m going to talk about my biggest insecurity.: being found out as an Impostor.
It’s more than doubt. It’s more than insecurity. It’s more than anxiety. It’s a constant nagging feeling that you don’t belong. That your life is a lie. That everything you’ve worked hard for to achieve wasn’t earned.
Every critical comment is truth and every bit of praise is a lie. It’s pervasive. Daunting. Paralyzing.
And you’re supposed to pretend you’re not feeling it. Because faking it until you make it is what you’re supposed to do, right?
Let me tell you about Impostor Syndrome.
In a few hours, my eighth book, Ursa Minors, will be out on Amazon to purchase or borrow using Kindle Unlimited. I was fortunate to have dozens of preorders. Fans of the books reached out after it was delayed and sent good wishes along to the proofreader for whom I delayed the publication.
I have over 1,500 ratings on Goodreads and hundreds of positive reviews on Amazon. I’ve been a full-time writer for almost a year.
Long story short, I have the success that many self-published authors hope for in their “dare to dream big” fantasies.
And I feel like a fraud.
I feel like a failure.
I feel like every 5 star review is a person being way too nice and all the one star reviews aren’t brutal enough. And that is my Impostor Syndrome.
I feel guilty all the time that the books I love to write are the books that people want to read.
I feel guilty that those books aren’t better. That I didn’t put more of my heart, soul, or editing budget into them.
I struggle as a self published author balancing investing in more expensive editors, getting a proper formatter, and other experts versus the return on that investment. And the fact that I am fortunate enough to even be able to ponder that while authors I’ve read and enjoyed are working three jobs and are happy to sell a single copy of their books.
Impostor Syndrome cuts hard, it cuts deep, and is so common. I can’t even say it’s rarely talked about, because it’s not some deep dark hidden secret in the author world. My writing group talks about dealing with Impostor’s Syndrome all the time. And the tragedy of this is that sometimes I feel like an Impostor for even talking about having Impostor’s Syndrome because I don’t feel good enough to even have it. Impostor Syndrome is for people who are good enough to be in a position of relative success but don’t think they belong there.
Let that sink in for a second. I feel like an Impostor for even daring to admit I have Impostor Syndrome.
There are many better definitions of Impostor Syndrome, but the only one that matters to me is fucking fuckety fuck this.
So why bring this up? Why post this on the blog instead of a teaser for Ursa Minors or a plea to buy my books?
I think so much of my life as an author is hoping that my books get seen, read, and reviewed, that I’ve forgotten that I am a person. I’m not an author. I’m Lynn Katzenmeyer. I have insecurities and flaws. I have hobbies and favorite foods.
Since going fulltime, I’ve lost myself to my Impostor Syndrome. Fighting to prove to myself that my books and through that I’m worth the time and energy and money that people spend with my books.
My books are a part of me, I’d be lying if I said they weren’t. But I’m not just my books.
I think authors are pressured to maintain an image. The public face for their authorial empire. The perfect narrative machines. We cultivate the imperfections we allow to show. A picture of a messy office on Instagram, a mention of procrastinating on a deadline on twitter, a Facebook post apologizing for a delay. Because being honest with our readers that the book we’re shilling isn’t our favorite, or we were convinced into a developmental change that we aren’t 100% confident in, or that the book the readers are begging for is beyond our current creative grasp. (Of course none of these are things I’m dealing with because all my new releases are my favorite and I’m totally confident in every word of every book........)
Long blog post short TLDR: Impostor Syndrome sucks. Ursa Minors is great. #buymybooks?
If you are experiencing Impostor Syndrome, here are things I have found that help me.
Talking to people in the field I’m in. For me, it’s other authors. I’ve read their books. I know how amazing they are. Hearing them have similar doubts and insecurities as me helps. A lot.
Memes. Google Impostor Syndrome Memes and feel all the feels. (I would link them or have them here but I’m not sure about how embedding other people’s work is with the legalities and while I’m happy to pay artists to license stuff I’m not paying for memes for a blog post sorry)
Watching Chef Stephanie Cmar on Top Chef. Yup, I know that sounds weird. Let me explain. Season 10 episode one, she doesn’t make the cut to be on Top Chef. Does she disappear into obscurity? No, not our girl Stephanie, she comes back in Season 11. After a brutal controversial elimination in Season 11, she again, returns. Stephanie then comes into Top Chef Season 17 All Stars. This woman opens up this season fangirling about the other chefs. Her interview cutaways throughout the season are about her self doubt and insecurities. Her personal failings but she goes back every challenge and does her best and has fun. There is a brilliant interview where she talks about making it to Italy and just being excited to have done it. To be happy with her food and to do her best.
I’m tearing up just writing this which is how much I’ve relied on Top Chef for my Imposter Syndrome. But she is such a treasure and I wish she had a restaurant so I could try her food!
Knowing what is Impostor Syndrome and what is genuine self criticism. Am I being hard on myself because I don’t feel like I’m good enough or am I being hard on myself because I need to improve?
Where is the criticism coming from? Am I editing? ~Might be something to work on. Am I laying in bed at night trying to sleep? ~probably Impostor Syndrome.
I am so grateful and humbled for every person who has ever picked up one of my books, even if it was to read a half a page and say “nope, not for me.” The past year has been a wild and crazy year and I don’t know what’s coming next. But whatever comes next, I’ll still write. I might just be slower at it ;)
Ursa Minors releases Feburary 22nd. Full Disclosure: Fallen Lorde is still my favorite of all the books I’ve written, but Ursa Minors is a pretty close second. For those of you that choose to read it, I hope you enjoy it.
I love you all.